It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
