Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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