My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
