sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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