I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
