I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize