the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
