I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
