Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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