did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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