oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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