We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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