You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
