Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
