I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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