Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
