in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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