How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
