I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
