the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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