I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I faked an abortion last night.
one might say we're banned from that church
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
