What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
