I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize