You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
