I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
