You just made me feel so damn special
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
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