Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
