Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
