shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
