apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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