That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
