he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
