he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
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