This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
