At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
