i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
