I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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