Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Randomize
