i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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