The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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