I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
