omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
