I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
And then the night went full on bisexual.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
