I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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