Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My vagina is very pro this idea
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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