Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
