I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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