12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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