so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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