i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
