life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
