she woke up with a sticky ear
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
