How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
