i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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