I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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