if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
