So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
im calling her cock vulture from now on
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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