I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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