Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
