your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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